Growth Means Change
Funny timing on this, how just this week, Miah and I were sitting at a table in a BBQ place, waiting for Matt to come back with our food, and somehow in the conversation it had come up about how long Matt and I had been together. Remember, she’s only 14 and has never been in a committed romantic relationship. She seemed to have some doubts amidst shock at how it could be possible for us to still be happy, after being “stuck with the same person for these many years.” As if she had read this letter already, being that the content of this very letter I had already written, she asked, “What’s it like to be with the same person literally forever—for the rest of your life—never changing it up? Does it not get sad and boring? I would think it could get so old and boring…” And like I said, I had already written this letter knowing I would send it this week, so the answer within me was fresh. I could confidently tell her that we aren’t the same people we were when we started…so, technically, he hasn’t been stuck with the same person all these years, and neither have I. We’ve each changed drastically, over and over again, and this change has caused us to never grow old of each other.
But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn That shines brighter and brighter until the full day. (Proverbs 4:18, NASB)
With a new year on our horizon, there is hope within each of us for some good ol’ fashioned change. Change for the better, of course. As we grow closer to the Lord, and more and more like Jesus each day, each month, each year, our paths are growing brighter and brighter and brighter. That’s what I like about the Lord—He’s always progressing, expanding, and advancing; He’s always stretching us and growing us; He’s always moving and making headway in the lives of those who allow Him to. He tells us in scripture after scripture to GROW! ENLARGE! STRETCH FORTH!
Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left… (Isaiah 54:2-3, NIV)
I will run the course of Your commandments, For You shall enlarge my heart. (Psalm 119:32, NKJV)
Looking back over my and Matt’s almost 18 years of marriage, and 22 years together, one thing that I can say for sure has kept us going strong—and at times stronger than others—and always going forward—is our collective willingness to CHANGE for the better—for the Lord, and for each other. Major personality issues, heart issues, even physical issues, we’ve remained willing to CHANGE and adjust. Instead of getting used to each other, or growing stagnant, or even bitter at each other, our ever readiness to make adjustments for the better has kept the spice, the fire, and the life within our marriage.
I will run the way of Your commandments [with purpose], For You will give me a heart that is willing. (Psalm 119:32, AMP)
This all reminds me of one of my first talks with my mother-in-law, who wasn’t my mother-in-law at the time, and wouldn’t be for another 4 years. I was 16 and in the 10th grade. At the time, she was my small high school’s study hall teacher and was working in the library that day. Matt and I had been “talking” for a few months at that point, and she had begun to catch on to our liking for each other.
She and I already had a special relationship, even before I had realized she was his mom, because we had something in common—she loved the Lord through and through and it was noticeable. She never had to tell me she did; it was as if we both knew we were kindred. She and I would talk about the Lord often and she was very much a beacon of light and comfort for me in the public-school atmosphere. Once she realized Matt and I were attracting each other, it seemed she felt it necessary to warn me of some of his not so attractive traits. “He’s a lot like his dad. Stubborn and prideful, strong-willed and unyielding, even authoritative” were along the lines of the words she used to caution me with.
That warning stood out to me, and was ever with me, as we went full steam ahead in our relationship. However, I wasn’t the least bit concerned; because I, too, was stubborn and prideful, strong-willed, unyielding, and yes, even a bit authoritative. Looking back, it’s all too obvious we each needed each other’s strengths in these areas—the good side of these traits—more than we knew. (It wasn’t long into our marriage, 4 years later, where you’ll find me yelling and banging on the door as Matt is on the other side, demanding he do something or another, which I can’t even remember at this point. And yes, he didn’t yield.)
But here’s the thing: Back to Miah’s question, how did we make it through? How have we lasted this long? I can confidently affirm that we have each allowed the Spirit of God on the inside of us to CHANGE us. Was it true that Matt was indeed like his mom had warned me about, and I was the same (along with other jaw-dropping issues)? Yes, but we didn’t stay these ways. No, the changes weren’t overnight, and we are definitely not done changing; but day after day, little by little, we are each willing to yield to the Lord as He molds us for the better.
If one spouse or the other is never willing to change, how can a marriage grow? It will no doubt become stagnant and old. And if only one spouse is ever willing to grow and adjust, the marriage will be lopsided and soon topple over. Both spouses, growing together toward Jesus; both spouses adjusting, making heart changes, rearranging opinions/likes/desires and personality issues and adapting where needed is part of what helps to keep a marriage stable and strong and fresh.
And be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind [having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude] … (Ephesians 4:23, AMPC)
Now your attitudes and thoughts must all be constantly changing for the better. (Ephesians 4:23, TLB)
However, if we aren’t hungry to get better and to change to become more and more like Jesus in our marriages, we will consequently stay the same….and our marriages become stagnant and boring the moment we are no longer growing and developing. A marriage with spouses who are no longer growing is a marriage that is no longer thriving and flourishing.
Like me, you may have heard people say, “Well, I’m like God, I change not.” Ha! God doesn’t need to change, He’s perfect. We, on the other hand….
Do we think we’ve arrived? Have we no more room for improvement, within ourselves and within our marriages? To think like that will keep us from growing, from getting better, and from advancing. No, the truth is that we’ve all room to improve, to become better and stronger, and we each need to be honest with ourselves and look and see where we can continue to grow.
At juncture after juncture in our marriage, Matt and I can both tell you we’ve had to make changes, adjustments, and decisions that foster growth. Have these changes been easy? Hardly ever, but always worth it.
For I consider that the sufferings [GROWING PAINS] of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. (Romans 8:18, NKJV)
But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. (2 Corinthians 3:18, NKJV)
As we’ve looked into the Word, we’ve seen where we’ve needed to allow Him to change us. As we’ve spent time in His presence, we’ve allowed the Holy Spirit to make heart adjustments.
As we both grow in Jesus, we can BOTH say we are not the same people we were 18 years ago, not even close. And, we can BOTH say we aren’t the same people we were, even last year, and honestly, even last month. We’ve GROWN. We’ve changed, we’ve adjusted and adapted. We’ve cut out things that needed to be cut out and we’ve added in things that we’ve needed to add in.
And give all diligence to this. To your faith add virtue, and to virtue [add] knowledge, and to knowledge [add] temperance, and to temperance [add] patience, to patience [add] godliness, to godliness [add] brotherly kindness, to brotherly kindness [add] love. (2 Peter 1:5-7, NMB)
We’ve never assumed we’ve “arrived.” We are constantly allowing the Lord to “add in” what’s needed. My personality, and Matt’s, have drastically changed over the years, due to our willingness to match how the Word describes we need to be. Things that didn’t match up have fallen off. Not automatically, but all due to our desire to WANT to change. We’ve wanted to grow and become better for each other and for our family, for the Lord.
Matt has had to look at his life more times than he can count, and ask himself, “Is this something I need to change? Is this a personality trait I need to grow in?” And I have had to do the same, and it has taken humility and willingness. It has taken me (and him) being flexible and pliable in the hands of the Lord, in the hands of His Word, as He molds us and shapes us to be the best we can be. And we aren’t done. Not even close, but it’s exciting every year to look back and see how far we’ve come.
But now, O Lord, You are our Father; We are the clay, and You our potter; And all we are the work of Your hand. (Isaiah 64:8, NKJV)
What about you? How far have you come? Are you the same person you were when you got married? Is your spouse dealing with your same junk year after year? Are you falling over the same hurdles, month after month and year after year, never adjusting and stretching in order to become something more, something better? And why is that? Have you been willing to change? Have you actually gone to the Lord and said, “Change me. Adjust me. I’m willing.” Have you gone to the Lord and admitted you actually have things that need to change and become better?
If I was the same woman I was when we got married, I will tell you the truth, Matt and I probably wouldn’t be married, or at least not happy. I’ve had to change LOTS, and he will admit he has too.
I’ve been so impressed with my husband as to how many times he has made MAJOR heart and personality adjustments at the direction of the Lord, and I know they weren’t easy.
…but we are to hold to the truth with love in our hearts. We are to grow up and be more like Christ. (Ephesians 4:15, NLV)
To grow means to change. It’s the Lord’s desire for each of us to be constantly growing and changing for the better, to match Him and His Word. It takes courage and guts to look into the mirror of the Word and admit we aren’t matching up, and then be willing to allow Him to work in us. These changes aren’t overnight, but the more we seek the Lord by looking in the mirror of the Word, the more we will change to become like Him. And there isn’t a husband or wife on Earth who wouldn’t be more than happy with changes made in their spouse that make them more like Jesus.
I encourage you as we plunge into this new year, that you make it your aim to allow God to work in you for the better, changing you, molding you and shaping you to be all you can be for your family and spouse. Take a good hard look in the mirror of His Word and give Him place to change what you see.
…for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. (Philippians 2:13, NKJV)
Now may the God of peace who brought up our Lord Jesus from the dead, that great Shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, make you complete in every good work to do His will, working in you what is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. (Hebrews 13:20-21, NKJV)
This time next year, by His grace you’ll look different. And your spouse will be more than pleased. And as you both grow closer to the image of the Word, your marriage won’t be “sad and boring” but will continue to be exciting and fulfilled.
Never stop growing; never stop changing,
Jess