The Day My Husband Told Me We'd Become Too Familiar…

I'll never forget the day, years ago, after a long season of marriage troubles, when Matt looked at me and shared what the Lord had revealed to him about our issue…

We were together 95% of the time. We lived together, ate together, worked together, served together, ministered together, had fun together, sang together, drove to work together, spent time in the bathroom together, prayed together, cooked together, cleaned together—so much of what we did was together.

To say the mystery in our relationship was gone is an understatement. When mystery exists, there’s a magnetic attraction at play—a wonder, a sense of discovery, a curiosity and a spark.

We had gotten so used to each other that the longing, passion, and adventure in our marriage had sort of dried up, if I'm honest. And now we were just annoyed.

Thankfully, we didn't stay there.

We had enough sense to seek the Lord about our marriage, and little by little He showed us the root issue. At one point, we decided to give ourselves some time apart, to spend with the Lord on our own in fasting and prayer:

Do not deprive each other, except for a limited time, by mutual agreement, and then only so as to have extra time for prayer; but afterwards, come together again. (1 Corinthians 7:5, CJB)

After about a week of separation in prayer, Matt sat me down and shared what the Lord had shown him. He said,

“We've become too familiar with each other.”

And I knew he was right. We were like simmered hamburger steaks on a plate of white rice, smothered and covered in brown mushroom gravy and a side of mac salad.

Once we recognized the problem, we began making changes. We gave each other space. We stopped getting all up in each other’s business. We stopped smothering one another and became intentional again. And over time, the Lord was able to restore the things that “familiarity” had slowly eroded. He helped us bring the romantic mystery back into our marriage.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder” isn’t a scripture, but it worked, nonetheless.

Now stay with me, because by the end of this letter, you’ll walk away with some very practical ways to keep the mystery alive in your marriage. Because when mystery exists, interest continues to grow and the natural desire to explore and connect with one another is heightened and extended.

When mystery exists, we stay engaged. Oppositely, familiarity causes boredom, stagnation, and disengagement.

One of the most stand-out examples of the danger of familiarity is found in the Book of Mark, where Jesus is rejected in His own hometown of Nazareth.

Jesus said,

A prophet is not without honour, except in his own country, among his own relatives, and in his own house. (Mark 6:4)

The more I think about this principle, the more I wonder how often we fall into that same trap in our own marriages.

The people of Nazareth could not see beyond their familiarity with Jesus as the carpenter's son, which hindered their faith and limited the miracles He performed there. They didn't see the Son of God standing before them. Instead, they said,

“Isn't this the carpenter's son? Isn't His mother called Mary? Don't we know His brothers and sisters?”

In other words, they reduced Him to the version of Him that they were familiar with.

“We know Him.”

“We watched Him grow up.”

“We know His family.”

They couldn't see past the everyday version of Jesus.

And because they couldn't see Who He really was, they couldn't receive what He carried. They limited what God could do in their lives THROUGH Jesus.

The issue wasn't that Jesus lacked value and had nothing powerful to offer them (miracles, healings, revelation, freedom). The issue was that they had become so familiar with Him they weren’t open to seeing it.

Now, that's Jesus. But what about the people in your own life?

The husband you've been married to for years. The wife you see every day.

Could it be that sometimes we become so familiar with the people closest to us that we stop seeing what God placed inside them. Could it be that familiarity limits what we're able to receive from them?

Have we stopped exploring and “discovering” one another because of it?

Paul wrote:

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves… (2 Corinthians 4:7, NASB1995)

The vessels may be ordinary. But what’s inside is far from it. This is where the mystery comes in. This is where the discovering and the treasure hunt all comes into play.

This has been stirring in my heart because I think it affects every one of us if we're not careful.

Jesus looked ordinary to Nazareth.

Matt can look ordinary to me.

I can look ordinary to Matt.

If I say, “Oh, that's just Matt...” or he says, “That's just Jess...”or Miah says, “That's just Mom and Dad...”or we as parents say, “That's just Miah...”we've already started putting limits on what we can receive from one another. And we lose the sense of wonder in what God has put in each of us.

We're no longer drawing out the God-given treasures placed inside because we've become too familiar with the vessel.

Remember when you were dating? You were far from ordinary to him/her. He was mesmerized by you, and you by him. Because of the mystery and the unknown, the attraction continued to grow. You hung on every word. Listened to every thought. Cared for every emotion. Valued every piece shared.

If only we could bring this with us into the years and years of marriage.

Not intentionally or maliciously, but gradually we have grown used to one another. We see the dishes left in the sink, the unmade bed, the no-makeup face, the messy hair, the forgotten errands, the flaws, the weaknesses, the bad breath, the rough edges, the things they said incorrectly, and before long we stop seeing people the way we once did.

And whatever we don't honor and value, we don't fully benefit from.

Honor doesn't create the treasure—it helps us recognize it, receive it, and draw it out. Honor cultivates wonder and helps us “keep the mystery alive.”

I think that's one of the great tragedies of familiarity. It doesn't just affect the person being dishonored. It affects everyone who was supposed to benefit from what they carry.

But if familiarity causes us to stop listening, stop valuing, or stop honoring, we begin losing access to the very things God intended to flow through those relationships.

Perhaps that's why Scripture places such a high value on honor. Honor isn't flattery, nor is it pretending people don't have flaws. Rather, honor is choosing to value what God values—which is on the inside. It is learning to look beyond the earthen vessel and search for the treasure God has placed within.

Does the chase have to stop once you get married? Do things have to become ordinary? Or can we honor one another and continue exploring and discovering the amazing things God has placed inside, even years and years into our marriage?

Proverbs tells us that:

“The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5)

What a beautiful picture. The treasure is already there, but it is not always sitting on the surface waiting to be noticed. It must be drawn out.

I have come to believe that one of the greatest tools God has given us for drawing out the treasure in one another is honor. Honor causes us to listen longer in patience and love, ask genuine questions from a pure heart, and remain open to seeing things we may have overlooked. Honor keeps us from assuming we already know everything there is to know about the people closest to us.

And perhaps nowhere is that more important than in marriage.

One of the mistakes Matt and I made was assuming there was nothing left to discover. We had spent so much time together that we stopped being students of one another. We knew each other's habits, strengths, weaknesses, stories, preferences, and opinions. Or at least we thought we did.

But people are not static. We are growing. We are changing. We are learning. God is continually working in us, revealing things to us, and developing treasures within us.

I wonder how many marriages would be refreshed if husbands and wives became students of one another again. If they listened with fresh ears. If they looked for what God is doing now instead of what He did years ago. If they stopped focusing on the flaws of the vessel and started searching again for the treasure within.

For those wondering what this looked like practically for us, here are a few of the changes we made to fight familiarity in our marriage and keep the mystery alive. These aren't rules or commandments. They're simply things that helped us stop taking one another for granted and start seeing each other with fresh eyes again.

7 Practical Take Aways

• Protect a little mystery.

For us, one practical change was giving each other more privacy again. We realized we'd become so comfortable that we'd lost some of the dignity and mystery that naturally existed when we were dating. You don't have to share every bathroom trip, every gross habit, or every “indisposed” moment. (And I’m not saying we did this, I’m just breaking it down for you, ha!) Take this with balance—it's not about pretending to be someone you're not or hiding your real life. It's simply about preserving a little dignity and leaving room for your spouse to continue seeing you with fresh eyes. A little mystery isn't dishonesty—it's preserving respect and attraction.

• Keep getting dressed for each other.

Think back to when you were dating. You probably didn't wear stained sweatpants and an old T-shirt on your dates. You probably put thought into what you wore, how you smelled, your hair, or your makeup. Why should that stop after the wedding? Looking your best isn't about impressing the world—it's about continuing to honor the person you made a covenant with.

• Don't do absolutely everything together.

Give each other room to miss one another. Spend time alone with the Lord. Pursue personal growth. Read different books. Learn new things. A growing person always has something fresh to bring back into the relationship. Healthy space often creates fresh appreciation. One of the biggest changes we made was simply giving each other room to breathe.

• Keep dating each other.

Keep some things special. Don't let every conversation revolve around kids, work, schedules, ministry, finances, or the never-ending to-do list. Laugh together. Flirt. Go on dates. Ask questions. Stay interested in one another. Do the little things you did before you were married. Never stop pursuing one another.

• Become a student of your spouse again.

Ask, “What has God been showing you lately?” “What's been on your heart?” “What's something you're dreaming about?” Never assume you've learned everything there is to know about the person you're married to. God is continually working in them, so there is always more treasure to discover.

• Call out the treasure you see.

Instead of only mentioning what's wrong, intentionally speak life over one another. Tell your husband where you see wisdom. Tell your wife where you see strength. Encourage the gifts you see God developing. Draw the treasure out with your words instead of only pointing out weaknesses. (Works with your kids, too!)

•Don't stop growing as an individual. As you grow, you’ll always be introducing one another to new better versions of yourself (as we grow closer to Jesus).

Develop your own relationship with Jesus apart from your spouse. Two people who are continually growing in Christ rarely become stagnant because they're continually becoming new.

Marriage was never meant to be the end of the pursuit. It was meant to be the beginning of a lifetime of discovery. Don't stop courting the heart of your spouse just because you've already won it. Don't stop studying them just because you know their story. Don't stop honoring them just because they're familiar. Keep looking for the treasure God has hidden within them. Protect a little mystery, not by hiding who you are, but by refusing to let everything become ordinary.

I want our marriages to be a lifelong adventure of discovering one another, drawing out the treasures God continues to place within us, and never settling for the thought, “I already know you.” I want to keep pursuing my spouse’s heart, protecting the wonder, and believing there is always more of God's grace, wisdom, and beauty to uncover in the man He gave me. I think that's the kind of marriage God had in mind all along.

We love you! Let us know what good things God is doing in your marriage!

Matt and Jess