A Race to Love You go first.
Wife: I would respect him, IF I felt loved by him. If he would just show me some love, I would have no problem respecting him.
Husband: I would love her, IF I felt respected by her. How can she expect me to love her when she gives me no respect?
We’ve all heard, seen, or experienced this same scenario, time and again.
But what is this scenario? A marital stand off? A stalemate, where no one takes any action at all? You go first, Or, If you go, I’ll go?
Do we need to play, Rock Paper Scissors to see who in the marriage is going to be the first to love? The first to give?
We’ve surely all heard the beloved scripture that reveals Jesus’ race to love us first, we love because He first loved us (1 Jn. 4:19).
This “standoff” notion of no one giving love or respect until love or respect is given is not the way of Jesus.
But God shows [demonstrates; proves] his great [ own] love for us in this way: Christ died for us while we were still sinners (Rom. 5:8, EXB).
God tells each spouse very clearly in His Word how we are to show love to each other:
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Eph. 5:33, NIV)
The husband loves like Jesus loves us, and the wife loves by giving respect. (This isn’t all-inclusive; this is just where it begins.)
The truth is, both love and respect, these are innate gifts that the giver has been given special ability by God to be able to give—the husband loving his wife and the wife respecting her husband.
These are GIFTS.
A true gift is given willingly, undeservedly, unearned, unconditional, and unable to be paid for.
If we focus so much on what we aren’t receiving from our spouse, we will be missing the many opportunities to GIVE to them. And a marriage where no one is giving (planting seed) is soon to be a dead end.
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Rom. 12:9-10, NIV)
If our husbands have to “earn” our respect before we will respect him, then we aren’t GIVING him respect. And if wives must earn their husband's love before they will love their wife, then it’s no longer a gift.
LOVING FIRST is the Jesus way.
A husband’s love shown towards his wife and a wife’s respect (which is love at its core) shown towards her husband is born out of the love of God in each of us and the love we have for Him and His Word. The holy commandment of Eph. 5:33 didn’t give prerequisites to wives before they can give respect and honor to their husband. Neither did it give prerequisites for husbands before they can give love to their wives.
He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me. (John 14:21, MEV)
As Christians, when we come into covenant with our spouse, we make a commitment to this commandment of love—we make a commitment to God and to His Word. Living out this marriage commandment is deeper than something that is just based on something that is earned. A true gift will always win out over basic payment.
Let me emphasize once more—when we came into covenant with our spouse, as Christians, we came into covenant with God and His Word.
Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, KJV)
What is the threefold cord? For the longest time, I would read this scripture, knowing it pertained to marriage because of the mention of “two,” but then it said “threefold.”
What is the third fold? I’ve come to know that Jesus and His Word (one in the same) is the third strand.
True marriage can’t be without the Word interwoven all throughout. The cord of three strands is a picture of the joining and covenant of the bride and groom AND God. With God and His Word as a part of our binding, we will not be broken!
To bind means to tie or fasten something tightly, to hold together, to stick together, to cling to one another, to cleave to one another. Not only are we to cleave to each other when we get married, but we are to cleave to the Word of God. We are not a threefold cord without His Word!
Ye shall walk after the Lord your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him. (Deut. 13:4)
When each spouse is cleaving (clinging, holding) to the Word (by being a doer of the Word) and refusing to let go no matter what—the husband loving and caring for the wife and the wife respecting and holding to the husband—then we can be sure we have a threefold cord that will not be broken.
Whoever despises the word shall be destroyed. (Prov. 13:13)
But He said, “On the contrary, blessed are those who hear the word of God and follow it.” (Luke 11:28, NASB)
This is why our marriages should not look like stand offs—never waiting for the other one to act first. Because we love God and we love His Word—because we love the marriage commandment of Ephesians 5:33—we are racing one another to be the first one to give love, the first one to honor the other, the first one to show respect.
As a wife, I should not be thinking about how or if my husband is doing his part to love me as Christ loves the Church; and husbands shouldn’t be making sure or even thinking about if their wife is doing her part in respecting and reverencing him.
If we each are focusing on our own part, then the parts are being done and our cord is three folds strong.
When I stand before the Lord, I will not be found responsible for how Matt did or didn’t love me; I will however be found very responsible for how I did or didn’t respect him.
The problem is that we have played around with these commandments—husbands love your wives and wives respect your husbands—to our own detriment. We have failed to count these commandments as holy and essential, as supreme and fundamental, as they were meant to be. Instead, we have treated them as electives. And because of that, the blessings and depths of intimacy, that come as a result of following these commandments, have also been optional.
Let it not simply be a matter of something that’s between us and our spouse—but let it be a matter of something between us and the Lord. Let it be about honoring His Word above anything else. Loving first, just like Jesus loved first, is a race to be won by all spouses. Making this adjustment in our hearts and in our thinking will be a sure victory in every marriage.
He who has My commandments and keeps them, it is he who loves Me. (Jn. 14:21)
Racing to love,
Jess