Lift Up Your Eyes
If you know anything about my husband, then you know he is what I call, "unpredictable." I'm not talking about emotionally or spiritually unpredictable. No, I mean, when it comes to his everyday routine and lifestyle, he rarely follows a scheduled pattern of events. He follows more of an inspired and dynamic routine. Because of this, I'm unable to expect certain ways from him; I don't always know his map, so to speak, or how to help him best, because I don't always know what he'll want to wear, or what he'll want to eat, or what he'll want to do. I rarely know even if or when he'll want to eat. I just take it as it comes and do my best to keep up. He is truly unexpected with potential for many surprises in his daily ways.
However, if you know anything about me, you know I'm basically opposite. Naturally, I like spontaneous, but within reason. Much of Matt's natural ways go against my original nature--and I say "original" because I have had to adapt and change to meet the needs of being married to a man with a dynamically unpredictable routine who often lives spur of the moment.
When I got married, I quickly found out that there was not a lot about him that was "scheduled," or "regimented," or "expected." I usually refer to him as spontaneous, impromptu, and even random. You'll never find him eating the same thing, the same time, the same method. You might not even find him sleeping in the same place, the same time, or in the same fashion. If you wake up at night wondering where he is, he could be on the front porch asleep in the rocking chair; or you might even discover him still awake; or even yet, you might find him in one of the guest rooms on the nicely made guest bed that you prefer never gets touched. It's not because we weren't getting along; it's just he likes to change it up! What am I saying? When I married Matt, I was quickly lifted out of my normal-comfort-zone-scheduled life that thought everything should look and be a certain approach and was required to be flexible and willing and unassuming. I wasn't able to expect him to do things the same way I had previously anticipated they should be done.
Because of Matt's unexpected nature, I soon realized after marrying him that he was also unexpecting towards me... and still is. He doesn't "expect" or "require" me to do things that some husbands might require of their wives. Despite that, because of my "expected" nature, I DID expect certain things from him, sadly.
And this is where today's letter comes in. Do you know what I have found to be a big problem in many marriages and with many spouses, me included?
Misplaced expectation.
Looking to our spouses instead of looking to the Lord, our expectation has often been misplaced.
My soul, wait thou only upon God;
for my expectation is from Him.
(Psalm 62:5, KJV)
Think about it for just a minute:
Is it true that most marriage arguments are a result of one spouse not doing something the other spouse expected them to do? Or, they did something they were expected not to do.
I think one of the biggest root causes of dissatisfaction in marriages are these UNMET EXPECTATIONS:
You thought it would be like this, but it’s not. You thought he would be like this, but he’s not. He thought you’d do this, but you don’t. He thought you'd look like this, and expects you to, but you don't. Together, you figured you’d do this, but you haven’t.
And so, your marriage is unhappy, dissatisfied, and unfulfilled.
Is there an answer?
Is there any hope for us?
“But I thought we were supposed to be able to expect some things from our husbands?” some might ask.
I must calm down and turn to God; He is my only hope.
(Psalm 62:5, ERV)
My pastor always says that when it comes to God, we should expect big! But when it comes to people, expect nothing and be thankful for everything.
Now this is a big key to happiness. If you’re expecting everything from the Lord--and everything your husband does, you receive as a gift--then you are gonna be one happy lady.
You see, anything you EXPECT your spouse to do can no longer be a gift when and if he does it.
I'm reminded of a morning this past week. Like I said, Matt doesn't always eat breakfast, right? I would say he eats breakfast 4 out of 20 mornings; therefore, MY morning routine doesn't involve preparing his breakfast. The night before, he ended up skipping dinner completely because of his workload. He briefly mentioned to me before going to bed late, "I'll probably want breakfast in the morning since I didn't eat tonight." So, I noted to myself that I would need to be ready to make him breakfast in the morning when I made my breakfast. So, I did. I made him a ham-egg-n-cheese sandwich on sourdough toast with salted butter. I wrapped it in parchment paper so it wouldn't get soggy (since I have no real clue as to when he will actually eat it) and had it ready for him, along with his coffee, that he could easily eat at home, or he could grab it on our way to work--since I don't know if he'll eat it at home or at work. Ha.
When he came downstairs ready to go, he went straight to the fridge. I overheard him heating up something in the microwave. I hollered from the other room, "What are you heating up?" He said, "Leftover chicken!" I said, "I made you a breakfast sandwich!" He said, "You did?!"
You see, he wasn't expecting me to make him breakfast. When he told me the night before that he would want breakfast in the morning, I said, "Okay, Baby," and just assumed he knew I would have breakfast for him when he was ready. He was so thankful for that unexpected breakfast sandwich. It wasn't unexpected to me--I had planned to do it. But he was able to show thanksgiving for it because he wasn't "expecting" me to do it. He was able to receive it as a gift to him. That morning, he even exclaimed to all of our fellow staff members at the ministry how thankful he was for that breakfast sandwich. Ha! And I thought, "I was just doing my job."
But it did get me thinking...
The word “expect” has a couple synonyms that really stand out to me: require and demand.
When I think of requirements and demands put on a husband or wife, I think of a checklist:
-Cared for the kids? Check
-Cooked dinner? Check
-Brought home the bacon? Check
-Still looks good after 20 years? Check
-Remembered to give me a kiss? - Check
-Picked up the kid from soccer practice? - Check
-Eats the way I want them to? - Check
-Goes to church? - Check
-Prays with me? - Check
-Remembered to take out the trash? - Check
If a checklist of requirements in your head doesn’t make a relationship cold, I don’t know what does?
As we think about what kind of list of requirements (expectations and demands) we may have on our spouse, let’s stop just a moment and think about what Jesus did for us.
He loved us WHILE we were yet sinners, and His unconditional love is still flowing to us today:
…having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us, which was contrary to us. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross. (Colossians 2:14, NKJV)
Can we do the same for our spouses? Can we wipe out the handwriting of requirements against him/her? Can we throw out our checklist and let them breath? Can we allow them to do everything from the heart and not because of obligation?
Thinking about this caused me to stop and ask myself, “Are there things, through my actions and words, that I am requiring or demanding from my husband?” The answer is, yes, there are. And if those requirements (expectations) are not met, I could easily walk around miffed. What does walking around miffed and disgruntled do to me? It causes me to unhook in my heart towards my spouse and become half-hearted in our relationship. What does it do to my spouse? It puts pressure on him to perform, and not from his heart. Why would I want him to do anything he doesn’t want to do? And the thing is, most men DO want to do what is right as a husband/father/etc., but most of the time a wife's pressure on him pushes him away rather than drawing him closer.
Think about it from another perspective: If everything you do as a wife is received by your husband as a gift from your heart, not as a requirement from him—every cooked meal, every washed clothing, every kind word, every romantic rendezvous—you are encouraged to give even more. When every good thing we do is appreciated and not expected, we want to do more.
Let me bring it home a little with some examples that I've heard before in many marriages—it’s all a matter of mindset. (This is coming from a wife's perspective, so any men reading will need to think about it for himself.):
Your husband said he would mow the lawn, but he didn't tell you "when." Do you keep asking about it until he finally gets his big tush out there and does it, or do you take it upon yourself to do it because you don't trust it will get done when YOU want it done?
You find your husband’s floss in strange places all around the house. Do you keep bringing it up hoping he’ll get the idea, or are you thankful your husband takes care of his teeth at all? Many men don’t take care of their teeth.
Your husband won’t put away his socks or hang up his clothes for the life of him. Do you grumble-grumble, or are you counting your blessings every time you pick up his clothes because you are thankful you even have a husband? I don’t know how many ladies are still praying for God to bring them a husband! They would be happy to have one to pick up after!
Your husband doesn’t make the effort to get up in time for church, week after week. Do you keep trying to talk to him about it, telling him how important it is for the kids, making sure Sunday afternoons are miserable for him? Or, do you relax and put your expectation (your hope) in God, and take the kids to church anyway, trusting that God is working because you have prayed, and treat Hubs as if nothing is wrong at all? (OOOOO, I know that’s harder than it sounds, Ladies. But that is true trusting in God, unmoved by what you see.) These kind of responses also show God that He comes first in your family.
SO, if you can’t expect from your husband, what do you do?
I will lift up my eyes to the hills, from where does my help come?
My help comes from the Lord, made heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2)
With all your might, put your expectation on the One Who can do something about everything—God.
Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord. (Psalm 27:14, AMPC)
Is our husband obligated to us to do all the things that are right as a husband and a father? NO. Should he? YES, but that’s between him and God. This is why we expect FROM GOD and not from Hubs.
We are not his Lord. (I have had to tell myself this more times than I want to admit because I have wanted him to follow my schedule and expectations.)
What does it mean to expect from God? It means you look to God in order to receive from God. When we do this, it allows us to be able to love our spouses unconditionally, with no strings attached, with no “handwriting of requirements” or “checklist” because we are receiving from GOD and not from him. This keeps us free from disappointment towards our spouse, and we are free to be happy and peaceful.
Ladies, know that your husband’s flesh will always disappoint. Husbands, know that your wife will not always look and do things exactly perfect, the way you always dreamed, and you may be disappointed.
However, looking full faced to God you will NEVER be disappointed.
Those who go [look] to Him for help are happy [radiant], and they [their faces] are never disgraced [shamed].
(Psalm 34:5, EXB)
Let me give you a royal example of a spouse's faith we can follow: Bro. Smith Wigglesworth’s wife, Polly. Have you ever heard of the famous minister Smith Wigglesworth and any of his and Mrs. Polly’s victory stories?
In short, Bro. Smith Wigglesworth was a British Evangelist with a world-wide ministry during the Pentecostal awakening in the early 1900s. However, at the time of this story, he was in a spiritual backslidden time in his life, but not Mrs. Polly! Polly’s fire and fervor for the Lord was beginning to show up his lack of diligence for God and he began to be annoyed at her, and on one occasion, he, in a fit of fury, picked up his wife and literally threw her out of the house. During this time, he didn't want her to go to church but she went anyway. When she did, he'd lock her out of the house, and when she came home, she'd have to sleep on the back porch, bundled up and kept warm by only her outerwear, and leaning against the door. In the morning, Bro. Smith would unlock and open the door, waking her up as she fell through the door’s threshold. Now, this is where most wives would just have it out with their husbands, but not Mrs. Polly! She'd gather and pick herself up off the floor and come in and say, "Good morning, Smithy!" and ask him what he wanted for breakfast, as if he did her no wrong! As a result, her love and faith-filled actions were the catalyst he needed to surrender his life to God and to go full-force for God in the ministry—an anointed impactful ministry of faith, healings, miracles, and even bringing the dead back to life!
Mrs. Polly Wigglesworth was the picture of a strong, faith-filled (faithful) woman full of the unconditional, no-strings-attached love of God. Her love for her husband was unaffected by his ungodly condition.
Is the love we have for our spouse a conditional love? If Polly can love her husband happily in those conditions, then by golly, we can, too.
EXPECT FROM THE GOD WHO IS INSIDE YOUR SPOUSE.
Let’s get practical. How can we do like Mrs. Polly and trust God in the face of our spouse doing things we don’t like? Trusting God means choosing to look at Him and making the choice to believe that He is working in our spouse no matter what we see. We find out what God says about our husband/wife—who they are IN JESUS—and we rest in those promises, no matter what we see in the natural. Now, to do this, it will take spending time with the Lord in prayer and fellowship (waiting on and hearing from Him), and in His Word (renewing our minds by reading the Bible and hearing it preached/taught- Rom.10:17, Prov. 4:20-22) to see what God actually says about our spouses!
Take it from me. If you will do this, and if you remain trusting God, standing on what His Word says about your spouse, you will for sure see fruit, results, and change.
Upon God alone, O my soul, rest peacefully;
for my expectation is from Him. (Psalm 62:5, DARBY)
This is how we get through. This is how we see the victory in our marriage and in our spouse. It’s the same way Mrs. Polly Wigglesworth did with her husband, Bro. Smith. Accounts say that she continued lifting him up in prayer, believing God for her husband’s victory. She was not moved by his ungodly actions, nor did she hold those actions against him. She had her eyes on Someone Bigger, on the One and Only One, Who could change her husband.
Lift your eyes from off your spouse and on to the Greater One!
I will lift up my eyes to the hills—From whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber. (Psalm 121:1-3, NKJV)
Trust me! When you trust God and put all your hope in Him, considering (keeping your eyes on) only what His Word says concerning your husband, you will not be ashamed!
They looked to Him and were radiant, And their faces were not ashamed. (Psalm 34:5, NKJV)
Oh, how great is Your goodness, Which You have laid up for those who fear You, Which You have prepared for those who trust in You In the presence of the sons of men! (Psalm 31:19, NKJV)
Love you all,
Jessica