Marriage's Ultimate Vision for Growth: Christ and the Church

Growing Up Higher

Whether you’ve been married 1 year, 5 years, or 55 years, you and your spouse have both had to grow and change in order to have a fruitful marriage. Any marriage with a solid working relationship and that has been accomplishing things for the Kingdom of God has had to do lots of growing, and growing together. Growth means change—it means you don’t look the same year after year after year after year.

Yes, having a good marriage takes growth! It takes work! It takes determination and willingness. Time and again, we’ve all seen that many couples just don’t give what it takes. Oh, they had it to give—we all do—but they didn’t choose to give it. They stopped growing together, they stopped adjusting and flexing for one another, they stopped serving one another, and so their marriage dwindled to nothing.

Matt and I certainly haven’t arrived, but we sure didn’t get to where we are in our marriage in just a few days. No, it has taken us many years to get to where we are today. And thank God, we didn’t give up. We decided time and time again, year after year, that our marriage and the plan of God on our lives as a couple was worth it. It was (and ever will be) worth the work, effort, determination, and willingness that is required in order to have a good marriage that is fulfilling the Plan of God. Thank God we both kept a willing heart and were determined to change and adjust when it was needed. We were, and still are, determined to grow and keep on growing.

Through the years, in order to grow and build our marriage, it has taken lots of discussions, lots of praying, lots of repenting—to the Lord and to each other—lots of changing and flexing, lots of shifting and rearranging, and lots of openness and willingness toward one another. Even now, though they are few and far between, there are still days when we are reminded of how much we haven’t arrived and we still lean on God’s grace to help us grow through yet another challenge, growing to resemble more and more the Biblical layout of marriage.

Happy marriages are growing marriages; Godly marriages are growing marriages. But in order for any of us to grow, we need to know where we are headed. What are we growing up to? What are we supposed to look like? What are we supposed to resemble? We need a vision before us, and kept in front of us, that we aim to come up to. The ULTIMATE example and vision for every GODLY marriage is the relationship between Christ and the Church. The Church is referred to in the Bible as the Bride of Christ and the Body of Christ.

Look at what Paul said about the Body of Christ, the Church:

…but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ—from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love. (Ephesians 4:15-16, NKJV)

The end result of growth for every Christian is that we become more like Jesus. We are all supposed to GROW UP in ALL THINGS, INTO HIM, the Head of the Church, Jesus. Godly marriages are to be a picture of the relationship of Jesus and His body (the Church, every individual believer as One).

We see this picture described in Ephesians 5:22-33. As we read this passage together, let it be a wonderful reminder of what our marriages should attain to and look like. It is a beautiful vision to keep before us as the very image we should be growing to become:

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Here we see the Bible making it very clear that marriage done God’s way is an illustration, a metaphor, of Christ and the Church, where the husband is a picture of Jesus and the wife is a picture of the Church. The way Jesus is towards His Church—aka, the Bride of Christ—is the way a Godly husband should be with his wife. At the same time, the way the Bible instructs the Church and Body of Christ to be towards Jesus is the way a Godly wife should be towards her husband.

With this clear and beautiful ambition before us, we can build our marriages and grow with intention and purpose. We have something to attain to! We aren’t just shooting in the dark, hoping to get somewhere; we have a real destination to get to! Why would we want to stay the same when this wonderful and fulfilling intent lies before us? I use the word “fulfilling” to describe the achieving of this vision we have before us because it is truthfully the only way our marriages will ever be truly fulfilled. God’s intentional purpose is for our marriages to look like the Biblical example He created. If we do not do what it takes to grow into this example, then our marriages will never truly be fulfilled and fruitful and we will always be longing for more.

Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:12-14, NKJV)

Friends! What is this upward call of God for our marriages? We must forget the things behind us and reach forward to what lies ahead—the goal being—our marriages resembling more perfectly, Christ and the Church. And we realize this means work; it means dedication and willingness. It requires hunger and expectation. Three phrases Paul says in the passage we just read that I’d like to highlight in connection with this: Press on, Lay hold, Reaching forward. These are not half-hearted, gumption-less phrases. No, each of these phrases says something: Don’t give up. Keep growing. Keep pressing, keep holding, keep reaching.

Godly marriages are not for the stagnant. They are not for the lackadaisical or for those who insist on staying the same. Those who refuse to grow and rise to the upward call of God on their marriages can expect a dwindling marriage, because that’s what they’ll have. God insists on growth in every area of our lives. Are you hungry for more in your life and marriage?

The righteous shall flourish

like a palm tree,

He shall grow like a cedar in Lebanon.

Those who are planted

in the house of the Lord

Shall flourish in the courts of our God. (Psalm 92:12-13)

Look at your marriage. Does it look anything like the picture of Christ and the Church? What areas can we grow to become more like the picture of Jesus and His Church, His bride? What does a growing marriage look like in everyday life?

If we think about the way the Church is towards Jesus, and the way Jesus is towards the Church, we can see some practical aspects to follow after. Dissecting the passage in Ephesians 5, lets break it down:

1. First, let’s start with the husbands. If a husband wants to resemble his part in a Godly marriage the way Jesus interacts with His Bride (the Church, the Body of Christ), then he will walk in this manner:

a)      He will recognize that just like Jesus is the Head of the Church, He is the Head of His marriage and family. This is a very noble and honorable role that is to be trusted. It should not be taken lightly or misused, as this resembles Jesus. For example, I have seen my husband take this role very seriously because he knows that whatever direction he goes, Miah and I will need to follow. He realizes that every decision, both big and little that he makes, directly affects his family. And I have seen time and time again how he endeavors to be led by the Holy Spirit with the best for Miah and me in mind. This is a role of strength! Strength to hear from God, to consider your family, and to act unselfishly.

For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church. (Ephesians 5:23, NKJV)

In the same way, you husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [with great gentleness and tact, and with an intelligent regard for the marriage relationship], as with someone physically weaker, since she is a woman. Show her honor and respect as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered or ineffective.

(1 Peter 3:7, AMP)

b)     A Godly man will love his wife, and family, the same way Jesus loves the Church. He will realize that when he loves his wife and family, he is loving himself, his own body. He nourishes and takes care of his wife the same way Jesus cherishes and takes care of His Church, His Body. He realizes that they have become one, and she is now his very own flesh. For example, there have been too many times to tell when Matt has done this for me, where he has made the health and state of my physical body his priority. If he has felt like I’ve been overworked or worn down, he has mandated me to rest. Or, if I have been dealing with physical weakness in an area, he has treated it as if it was his own body being challenged and he has done everything in his power to help me get well and strong again.

Another side of this is that a Godly husband recognizes that who he is, how he is, and what he does affects his family, negatively or positively. If a husband has commitment to God, most likely his family will have commitment to God, and vice versa. If a husband lives a holy and consecrated life that seeks after God, his family will have a clear path to follow suit; little resistance. If a husband knows God as His Provider and Protector, most likely his family will also live in that confidence. Who the husband is and how he is also becomes who and how his family is. The state of the family reveals the state of the husband. A Godly husband realizes that he is responsible for the well-being of his wife and family—spiritually, emotionally, and physically—and they are a direct representation of himself.

Husbands, love your wives [with an affectionate, sympathetic, selfless love that always seeks the best for them] and do not be embittered or resentful toward them [because of the responsibilities of marriage]. (Colossians 3:19, AMP)

For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.

(Ephesians 5:29, NKJV)

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24, NKJV) …and the two shall become one flesh; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. (Mark 10:8, NKJV)

c)      A Godly man will sacrifice for his family the same way Jesus did for us, His family. In the same way Jesus gave Himself sacrificially for His Church, His Body, a Godly husband will give sacrificially for His wife—his own body. Matt tells me often that it is the husband’s honor and privilege to sacrifice for his family. Jesus gave it all and held nothing back. If he wants his wife to be able to give her all to him, he recognizes that it is his privilege to sow the first-fruits of himself by giving her his all. This is a simple example, but it comes to mind: I can’t tell you the times that I have felt like Matt desperately needed clothes and shoes; but instead of allowing me to spend our money on him, he has insisted on blessing me with clothes and shoes, and nice ones at that!

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. (Ephesians 5:25, NKJV)

And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

(Ephesians 5:2, ESV)

2. Now to the wives. I might have a bit more to say to the wives because I am a wife. If a Godly wife wants to resemble her part in a Godly marriage the way the Church (the Body of Christ, the Bride of Christ) is towards Jesus, then she will walk in this manner:

a)      She will recognize that just like Jesus is the Head of the Church, and the Church is His Body, her husband is her head, and she is a part of his very own body. Together they have become one, and she is now his very own flesh. She will be aware of and accept the God-ordained structure and authority of the family in this order: Jesus, Husband, Wife, Kids. She will come alongside her husband and help him carry out the plan of God for their lives and implement the God-given direction for their family.

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.

(1 Corinthians 11:3, ESV).

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

(Ephesians 5:31, ESV)

I’ll never forget the time, really early on in my marriage—like maybe within the first couple months—Matt and I were having some kind of issue, I was upset at him for something… I can’t even remember the details at this point. But we had stopped at my parent’s house to get something, and I had gone in alone… Matt had stayed in the car. After I got inside, and did what I came to do, I briefly began to open up to my parents, kinda venting a little. And I’ll never forget—my dad. He looked me square in the eye and said, “Jessica, you need to get back out there with your husband.” And you know, he didn’t need to explain why and tell me all the teaching about it. I knew exactly what he was getting at. My place was under my husband now, not under him; and it was improper and dishonorable of me to think otherwise. If my dad would have listened to me and sided with me, he would have been encouraging me to disconnect from my husband. Instead, he was saying, “You need to get back with your husband and secure the connection alongside him.” I was so thankful for that, and I never again ran to my parents for help in my marriage—I knew my place. And God has never left me hanging. He has always given me the answers, strength, and help I needed to BE a wife.

b)     A Godly wife will realize it is her honor and privilege to submit to her husband the same way the Church of Jesus submits to Jesus. She will understand that this is how God set it up, and this is where the fullness of the blessing—and the fruitfulness—in marriage truly lies. She will willingly adapt to her husband, yield to her husband, support her husband, and—in some cases when needed—obey her husband. Where the head goes, the body goes. What the head does, the body does; what the head thinks, the body thinks (in accordance with the Word, of course.)

You wives must learn to adapt yourselves to your husbands, as you submit yourselves to the Lord, for the husband is the “head” of the wife in the same way that Christ is head of the Church and saviour of the body. The willing subjection of the Church to Christ should be reproduced in the submission of wives to their husbands. (Ephesians 5:24, Phillips)

Over the years, Matt has received significant instruction from the Lord about a direction he is to take, and in turn, “we” are to take as a family. No matter what it was—whether it was an answer for his job, direction for our finances, steps to take in the ministry, things regarding personal endeavors or issues, or instruction as a parent and for Miah—he would receive this instruction from the Lord and share it with me. At that point, I have a choice. I can either wonder if he really heard from God and wait and see how it plays out, or I can come alongside this direction and trust that he has heard from God and that it is my duty and responsibility to help him get it done. But what if I didn’t personally hear that instruction or direction from the Lord? Does that mean I wait to follow until I personally hear? Do I wait to really give my all until I feel like its “really God”?

No! Take it from me. Don’t wait. Fall in line automatically and give the direction from God your whole heart, even if you don’t see it fully or understand it completely. This action of faith and trust will reinforce your husband’s leadership and role/place as the head of the family—and as your head—and it will strengthen him for the oftentimes-rough terrain that lies ahead. Doing what God directs isn’t always easy and your husband needs your strength and your backing in order for him to carry out the instruction from the Lord—he CANNOT do it without you. It is rough enough to fulfill God’s plan with you, much less without you. And the truth is, many husbands/dads just won’t do it if the wife/mom doesn’t come behind him and help.

If you question what he is saying from the Lord, you are causing the ground under his feet to become shaky… and let me just say, this is one big reason why SO MANY families are not accomplishing the plan of God—the wife and kids are usurping the husband/dad instead of lining up alongside him.

Some of you wives might be thinking, “Well, my husband isn’t doing anything. He isn’t hearing from God. He is giving me nothing to support.” Could it be that the first couple of times he did give instruction or direction that you disregarded and ignored it? Like I said, not all men are strong enough to keep going after his wife dismisses him, much less when she has done it time and time again. So, what can you do to restore this? You fall back into your place. Begin by listening to him. Listen for the small things. Is there something small he has asked? Even something simple like “I would like the kids to be in bed at 9:00,” or “Let’s have the Smith’s over for dinner tomorrow night.” Instead of rebutting and pushing back, make it happen. Making what he says and asks a priority will empower him to rise up to the headship role, even if it’s a little at a time. And before you know it, he will be propelled and encouraged by your support to look to the Lord for answers on the bigger things.

c)      A Godly wife will choose honor by reverencing and respecting her husband the same way the Church reverences and respects Jesus. She looks up to him, she loves him, and she serves him, just like the Church serves Jesus.

Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:33, NKJV)

From personal experience, being a wife is a privilege and not something to be taken lightly. Talking to wives, when God entrusts you with one of His dear sons, you’ve stepped up a notch in the Kingdom of Heaven. You now have a special anointing to help the man of God that He has given you. (And yes, YOUR husband IS a man of God.) Just like the Church is appointed and anointed to help Jesus accomplish the Plan of God on the Earth, we as wives have special unction from the Holy Spirit to help our individual husbands to accomplish the plan of God on their lives. The plan of God for us as a wife is not less important, but it is found within the plan of God for our husband. At the very least, it is connected to it. I am a firm believer that God-ordained marriages are brought together for the purpose of executing their part within the very big pie of God’s divine plan in the Earth.

*I realize many, many, many people think that this kind of teaching is “outdated,” “old-fashioned,” or “obsolete.” But let me ask you something? Is the Word of God obsolete? I don’t think so. His way is THE highest way. The BEST way. And those who are willing to DO it God’s way—they will see the beauty in it. I am implying nothing that the Bible doesn’t make very clear in each of these scriptures. The thing is, we don’t see this kind of marriage much anymore; and is it any connection that we don’t see happy, fulfilled and FRUITFUL marriages much anymore? Yes, I believe there is a connection. Marriage done the Bible way is fresh, alive, and powerful. And when husband and wife are both working together in unity the way the Bible lays it out, it is actually a beautiful flow, and together they can and will accomplish great things for God.

For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. (Galatians 5:13, ESV)

Looking at the Biblical vision of husband and wife, we see both are told to love each other, to respect each other, to honor one another, and to live together in unity. As we serve each other along these lines, we can continue to live and thrive in our marriages, growing higher and higher in the things of God. We have a goal to attain: This deep and precious relationship between Christ and the Church is something we can see unfold and grow within each one of our marriages, as we are doers of this commission.

Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does. (James 1:21-25, NKJV)

Growing together,

Matt and Jess