This. Is. Not. A. Contest.

Have you recently found yourself contending with your husband over every little thing? And maybe you don’t even realize you’re contending… Honestly, “contending” sounds a bit harsh… so, maybe it’s just constant comments… You against him. Contentious comments about how he grilled the chicken (versus how you think he should have grilled the chicken), how he backed up the car (versus how you would have backed up the car), how he mowed the lawn, what he’s doing in his spare time…how he corrects (or doesn’t correct) the kids… And maybe these constant comments aren’t just over small things, either…

Contentious. It obviously comes from the word “contest.” The Book of Proverbs uses that word to describe a woman four times more than it does a man—in the New King James Version, that is. In the King James, it replaces the word “contentious” for the word “brawling” in a couple of those places. A brawling woman does not sound very attractive, and yet it originates from being contentious.

Proverbs 27 says a contentious wife is like the continual dropping on a rainy day.

Ever had a roof leak? We recently did. The leak was right above the stone by my fireplace… and every time it rained this past early spring, you’d hear drop…. drop…. drop…. drop…. drop…. drop….

Annoying, huh?

That’s what our continual comments sound like to our husbands.

This came as eye-opening to me, but to contend means to “take on” or “to face,” to resist and come against. Like a contest with an opponent. (Selah.)

Why on God’s green earth are we trying to “take on” our husbands??? Why are we turning and “facing” him

when we should be coming alongside him and helping him???

It’s like in a contest or a game, they say, “Turn and face your opponent.”

That’s exactly the picture we are enacting when we yield to the proverbial “contentious woman.”

Better to dwell in a corner of a housetop,

Than in a house shared with a contentious woman. (Prov. 21:9)

Better to dwell in the wilderness,

Than with a contentious and angry woman. (Prov. 21:19)

It is better to dwell in a corner of a housetop, Than in a house shared with a contentious woman. (Prov. 25:24)

If the Bible’s book of wisdom tells our husbands that it is better to live outside—on top of the roof or out in the wilderness—than it is to hang out with a contentious wife, we should not be surprised if we find them not wanting to be home, or not wanting to spend time with us.

This is not rocket science.

No husband, I mean no husband, wants to be in continual CONTEST with his wife.

We are not meant to be in opposition with our husbands! We were not made/created/engineered/designed or fashioned to be against our husbands, rivaling him in a “face off.”

Marriage is not a show down, it is not a championship, we’re not gunslingers, and this is not a shootout!

God FASHIONED us directly from our husband’s SIDE, his rib to be precise. We belong on his side. But if we are continually “turning and facing our opponent” then we have left our true position (in which is the only position a wife will ever experience true happiness).

But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:20-24)

We, alongside our husbands, are on the same team. It’s not a competition to see who does what better or who has the best idea, or who is right. We have to change our heart regarding this and realize we are in it together, next to each other, reinforcing each other in decisions, to help each come to the right decision and the right answer TOGETHER….

Again, this is a TOGETHER kinda deal. Matt and I see the best progress in life situations when we are working and moving and flowing TOGETHER. Yes, he as the husband has the final decision-making power, but when I am WITH him and not against him, what I have to say truly does impact the decision. On the flip side (I have noticed, over the years, more times than I want to admit) when I am challenging/competing against him in an issue, he just simply makes the decision without me. My greatest influence is NEXT to him—not facing him, not pushing him, not pulling him—but NEXT to him.

If we find ourselves against our husband all the time—which is flat wearing him out, realize it or not—if we find ourselves constantly contending with him, then we must admit that we have been like the constant and annoying roof leak I had above my fireplace. What did I have to do to fix that constant drip? I had to get the hole (or the issue, the point of the problem) FIXED.

I called my brother, Luke, and he came and fixed it. It turned out, it wasn’t just a simple fix, either. It took some effort because of where the hole originated. Also, my brother had to come back a few times before the root of the problem was fixed. Ultimately, the underlying issue was that the rain continued piling up at the top of the chimney instead of running down freely. This had eroded a “hole” over time and the “piling” up of excess water was causing that leak and other small leaks around it. He had to adjust the roof in order for the rain to run down around the chimney instead of pooling up at the top of the chimney.

Now, instead of pooling up, or “piling” up, the rainwater quickly washes down and away. The underlying root of the leak—the underlying issue, the heart of the problem—had been fixed!

Like the continual dropping of the roof leak, a wife’s continual contention has a root—it started somewhere. And if that underlying issue is not fixed, the “rains” of marriage will continue to pile up, eroding a hole and causing continual leaks of contention.

The hole of contention in the roof of your marriage needs repaired. I can give you my thoughts on it and I can tell you where mine came from,

but you have to find out the root of your own contentious comments by time spent with you and the Lord. If you aren’t clear as to the underlying issue, ask Him. He will show you. Then, once you are clear, He’ll show you how to fix it.

And like my roof leak took a few times of him coming back to find the ultimate problem, you may have to “come back” to times of prayer to find the heart of the issue. I have spent time and time again on my face in prayer, repeatedly, as the Lord dealt with issues in my own heart, the same issues that were causing me to come against my husband…and He can show you, too.

Love to you,

Jess