You Are Not His Mom – A Mothering Wife is a Smothering Wife.

Do you find yourself bossing your spouse around? Telling him what to do…Or even “gently” nudging him in one direction or another? What about questioning him in such a way to imply what you would prefer he do? Maybe you have been going as far as telling him what or what not to do with the children, and even how to do things with the children? 

Examine yourself. Listen to the way you ask him questions. Listen to the way you tell him to do something or not to do something. Do you sound like his mom? Mothering your spouse reveals a lack of trust.

Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. (2 Cor. 13:5)

You may not even know you are mothering him because he is not the type to stand up to you. I found out real early on that I would not be allowed to "mother" Matt. He made it very clear to me. And anytime since then that the mothering spouse tries to come back out, Matt has no issues letting me know that she needs to go back in. 

In every marriage, there needs to be healthy boundaries with these things! We need to know and be aware of our roles. A mothering wife is an oxymoron. You can’t be a wife and a mother to your spouse at the same time.

Husbands, stand up to the mothering spouse!

And vice versa! 

None of us want to be married to a parent. Your husband doesn’t want to be married to a mom. Maybe you’ve thought it’s what he wanted, but it’s actually doing him a disservice. Does your “mothering” help to bring him confidence and strength? I think you know, it does not. 

As a wife, you are his helper. Being his helper doesn’t mean you’re his mother. You can help without disrespecting his manhood and his lead role in the family.

Especially in front of the children!

Are you saying things like, “You don’t want to do that”? Or, “Have you thought about that?” Are you overseeing what he eats and drinks? When he goes to bed and when he wakes up in the morning?

Honestly, I’ve even heard wives ordering their husbands around with commands similar to what I give my puppy, Copperpot:

Sit. Stay. Come. Fetch. Eat. Drink. No. 

Have I myself given my husband these commands?

If we could step outside of ourselves for a moment or two and just observe our tone, observe our interactions with our spouse, I think we may be shocked.

Does it resemble the way you interact with your children, or even your pet? 

If the way you talk to your husband sounds anything like the way you talk to your kids… this is disempowering, hindering his leadership and manhood. 

Stay in your lane with your spouse.

You are not his mom. (And for husbands, they are not our father.)

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

We were supposed to “leave” our mothers and fathers and “cleave” to one another. 

We left “mother” and we left “father” not so we could have another mother and father within our marriage.

Leaving mother and father is to include leaving the “mother and father” within our relationships. Matt left his mother to cling to me, but not to cling to another mother.

I am not to mother him and he is not to father me. We left that.

Is there anything more emasculating or humiliating to a husband than a wife mothering him around? Or anything more demeaning than a husband ordering his wife around? Even if we mean good, we must leave the parenting for the kids, not each other.

I’ve found that most mothering-wives, or motherly actions coming from a wife, are rooted in fear and it reveals a lack of trust. Fear controls and smothers.

A mothering wife is a SMOTHERING wife. 

Give space in your relationship to build trust between you. If you are too much in their business, there is no space for trust to be built between you—only fear and control. 

You think you trust him, but your mothering shows the opposite. 

What if your spouse has fallen in some areas, or made mistakes? This is no license to take over and become his boss. Rather than walking him like a dog, or pushing him like a donkey, come alongside him and be the helper you were designed to be.

Love does not keep track of your spouse’s wrong. Love always trusts. (1 Cor. 13:5,7)

Let’s take this as a challenge to check ourselves, to step out of ourselves and observe. Have I been mothering my husband? Or, have I been fathering my wife? Draw the line between your children and your spouse. Check your “mothering” at the door of your husband and your “fathering” at the door of your wife. 

Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. (2 Cor. 13:5)

Love,

Jess