CONTROL FREAK

Just when I thought I had that Control Freak whipped, she reared her ugly head again this week. And why has she always made a beeline for my husband? Can’t she just leave him alone?? She’s not in charge of him. He’s a man, Jesus is his Lord, and he has the best heart! Why can’t she leave him alone?? She might think, If he would just do what I want him to do, his life would be better. He would get things done, he would progress, we as a family would progress, he would feel better, he would look better, etc.

Maybe you know her, too. She often pops out in nagging comments and jabbing pokes that may sound something a little like this: I hope all that dessert doesn’t make you crash for the rest of the evening…. You spend way too much time doing that…. Why don’t you just go to sleep at a decent time, and you’d feel better in the morning…. Quit eating all that food!! No wonder you feel horrible…. You are hanging out with the guys, again?? I thought God told you to do THIS? … No wonder we aren’t getting anywhere, you keep doing THIS? … I will not be seen with a man wearing THOSE shoes…When are you going to do your part in this house and with the kids?....

Why does Control Freak feel the need to manage our husbands?! Why can’t she just let him be a man and do what he wants, make his own choices? Doesn’t she know if HE does something for her because she puts pressure on him to do it, then Jesus isn’t his Lord, but Control Freak is?

Why am I referring to Control Freak in the third person? Because she is not who I am. And if you can relate, she is not who you are, either.

What Control Freak may not realize is that she uncannily resembles another control freak, the devil. She has made her spouse’s ACTIONS her lord, rather than Jesus. This “other” control freak is NOTHING like God. Popping up everywhere, all over the world, he is the god of this world and the enemy of our soul. Controlling others is his nature. His “ways” would like to permeate every area of our lives, especially our homes, if we allow it. Controlling others is his dishonoring, disrespectful and forceful nature. It has nothing to do with God—God doesn’t have a controlling bone in Him.

Over the years, God has progressively opened my eyes to see the TRUTH about Control Freak and how she has tried to control even MY life. This is the spirit of what God showed me: “If Matt is doing what you think he should be doing, then you are happy. If he isn’t, you are upset (sad, mad, frustrated, etc.). You have allowed his actions to determine your peace and joy levels. If what he does determines your peace and joy levels, then you have made him your god. And by controlling him, you are trying to be his god.”

Why have I wanted to control my husband?? Why has it been that I’ve felt happy only when he is doing what I think he should be doing?

It’s easy to think there is some mysterious, psychological personality disorder that really must be dealt with, or maybe some kind of deliverance? (Ha!), but the answer is simple.

I once did a brief study about “control” in the Bible. I discovered the New Testament alone says at least 10 times to be in control of your SELF, but never does it say to control others. And NEVER does it say that God controls us. God is all about people being FREE—having a free choice—where all they do comes from their heart and NOT because they are being forced.

This is LOVE.

We have all experienced and seen how evident the controlling, forceful nature of the devil is. He wants everyone under his thumb. The enemy is the ultimate control freak, wanting to control everything and everyone to make them do what he wants. This takes the power AWAY from someone and uses it against them.

This is NOT LOVE.

Wikipedia says, “In the slang of psychology, the colloquial term “control freak” describes a person with a personality disorder characterized by undermining other people…”

UNDERMINING is THE opposite of LOVE.

Here is another eye-opening definition I found online: A controlling person is someone who likes dominating others and likes the feeling of control and power. This person is known as a narcissist, sociopath, psychopath.

Yikes! That is just creepy. It sounds precisely like the devil, to me. No thank you, don’t want to be like that, not anymore!! To tell you the truth, and thanks be to God, I no longer associate with CONTROL FREAK.

It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging [controlling], quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman. (Proverbs 21:9, AMPC)

Ladies!! This is NOT who we are. And side note, I’ve come across many a controlling husband, so it’s not just for the wives! The devil’s nature is not who we are!! …and have clothed yourselves with the new nature, which is being renewed in full knowledge, consistent with the image of the One who created it. (Colossians 3:10, ISV)

We are of the loving nature of God, who submit to and empower our husbands, not dominate and rebuttal. And husbands can do the same with their wives.

Do I LOVE my spouse, or do I control him? Does he have a free will and freedom in his marriage? Or is he forced into doing what I want, just to keep the ‘peace’?

My husband does not want to be married to a manager; he doesn’t want to have a boss for a wife. He does not want me managing his life, his food, his time, nor does he want me controlling his daily actions and decisions… whether outright or in a roundabout way. And your spouse, whether husband or wife, doesn’t want that, either!

No one wants to be CONTROLLED—although sadly many have grown accustomed to their spouse running their lives and they aren’t sure how to do it any other way.

This is not God’s way of marriage—which I had to learn that the hard way. During these “rough” times, I am thankful my husband was one who wouldn’t allow me to run his life, no matter how often he had to stand up to me.

Me, trying to control Matt—trying to be in charge of him, trying to manage him—it takes the MAN right out of him.

A controlling wife’s actions tell her husband that she doesn’t trust him, doesn’t believe in him, and won’t lean on him. It shows a lack of faith in God and in her husband. (This can all be flipped around from a wife’s perspective, too!)

Have you ever thought, If I am not ‘in control,’ then surely things will be ‘out of control’? Is this true??

The truth is, it is fear. Control Freak is driven by fear and she reveals a lack of faith and trust. Fear will cause you to want to control your husband by taking matters into your own hands.

Depending on your husband, he’ll either allow you the control, or he’ll stand up to it—each giving Control Freak its own issues. Some wives haven’t even realized that the undermining Control Freak has been running their marriages because their husbands have allowed it for so long.

IF CONTROL FREAK IS RUNNING YOUR MARRIAGE,

GOD IS NOT.

Faith and trust in God will cause you to relinquish control and trust God to deal with your husband. Is God capable and big enough, or not??

SYNONYMS. be in charge of, run, be in control of, manage, direct, administer, head, preside over, have authority over, supervise, superintend, oversee, guide, steer. command, rule, govern, lead, dominate, reign over, hold sway over, hegemonize, be at the helm, be the boss.

Turn that urge to control onto YOURSELF. Turn that need to control on yourself: control your mouth,  your temper,  your actions,  your thoughts.

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. (Titus 2:3-5, ESV)

A person without self-control is like a city with broken-down walls. (Proverbs 25:28, NLT)

Whoever has no rule over her own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls. (Proverbs 25:28, TPT)

I am not controlling my own spirit if I am too busy trying to control my husband’s.

Control isn’t always outright bossing or trying to manage. A lot of times, it’s manipulating situations to get what you want. To get a response you want, to get an action you want, etc.

Is our husband making decisions out of fear of what we will say or do?? Does he have a free will in his marriage? Are his decisions and actions determined by our sway over him?? In all gentleness, my sweet sisters, I believe we can all see this is ungodly...

Our husbands should not have this fear of our reactions/responses in the back of their minds as they live, move, act, etc. The only One they need to be wondering about is God. We are not their lord, and their actions are not our lord.

Remember Sarah, Abraham’s wife? She did “wife” right most of the time, but what about that one time? How did it work out when she tried taking charge of the baby situation—taking matters into her own hands—convincing her husband to sleep with her maid? That was an utter FAIL and now we’re all dealing with those consequences.

What about Michal, King David’s wife, when she tried to control the way he responded to the presence of the Lord in front of the whole kingdom? How did that work out for her?? FAIL. Directly after she did that, the Bible says she was never able to have a baby. I don’t have to wonder if her un-submissive, disrespectful controlling-ness was connected to her not being blessed. It was directly connected.

I mean, come on Michal, does Hubs HAVE to know you don’t agree with him? Does he HAVE to know you don’t like what he’s doing? MUST you say something?? Was it worth it?? I’ve asked MYSELF these same questions.

On the other hand, let’s favorably mention two other women from the Bible:

Esther, married to a fierce king, and MARY, Jesus’ mother.

Both of these women are beautiful examples of how to do it right. Esther had every reason to try to take control and dominate her situation because all of her people were on the verge of being murdered. Would I have freaked out?? But her trust in God kept her self-controlled. She was able to peacefully and submissively inquire of her husband, the king, in such a graceful way that he listened to her and changed the entire situation in her favor.

Now Mary: She, as an unmarried, pregnant mom, trusted God to handle her soon-to-be husband, who could have ‘put her away.’ Because of her faith, God was able to send an angel to speak with Joseph personally and let him know everything was going to be ok. Rather than trying to take things into her own hands, she trusted God, and He took care of her.

God is well able and capable of handling our husbands! Yielding to Hub’s God-given place of leadership reveals we trust God to lead him, help him, and speak to him. Submission to God is shown in our submission to our husbands. This place of yielded submission to our husbands is a place of REST and PEACE.

Let’s crack down on Control Freak—no more yielding to her!!

As long as we are trying to be the lord of our husbands, God cannot. As long as we are trying to handle them, God will not. We have got to get out of the way by trusting God to take care of them.

I have had to engage my faith, in the midst of Control Freak trying to take over, by saying to God so many times, more than I can count, “God, I trust YOU with my husband. I TRUST You with my husband. I trust you WITH MY husband. I’m not in charge of him, I’m not his lord. You are. You can handle him. I trust YOU.”

Will you trust God with your spouse?

The Love of His Life, Not the Manager of It,



Jessica