She kept a diary of all the things her husband did wrong… No wonder their marriage didn’t work out…
Don’t Take the Enemy’s Seat in Your Marriage
Recently, I heard a story from an older man that really made me stop and think.
He was telling me about his friend who had been married for more than 30 years. And throughout their marriage, unbeknownst to him, his wife had kept a diary.
Not a marriage testimony journal. Not a prayer journal.
A record of wrongs. Every time her husband did something “wrong,” she went and wrote it down in this diary.
Every offense. Every disappointment. Every failure. Every time he did something she felt was wrong toward her. Every mistake. Every time he didn't do what she thought he should have done.
She kept a record of it all.
And one ordinary day, after more than 30 years of marriage, her husband went out to run some errands.
When he came home, there was a note from his wife.
She told him she had had enough. She was done. She was leaving. She wanted a divorce.
And he was completely blindsided.
He had no idea she had gotten to that place.
But eventually, he found the diary in her stuff.
Page after page.
A list of everything he had ever done wrong.
And as I heard that story, I thought…
What happens when we start keeping a record of wrongs against our spouse?
What happens when we become so focused on what they're doing wrong that we stop seeing who they really are?
What happens when we start collecting evidence against them?
Isn't that exactly what 1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us NOT to do?
Love “keeps no record of wrongs.”
She had spent years keeping a record—and eventually, that record became how she saw her husband.
The record didn't make her love him more or support him or believe in him.
It didn't produce restoration.
It became the case against him.
And I think there is something here that we need to recognize.
Because the Bible tells us exactly who the accuser is.
Satan is the accuser.
Revelation 12:10 calls him “the accuser of our brethren, who accused them before our God day and night.”
What does it mean to accuse?
At its simplest, to accuse means to charge someone with wrongdoing—to claim that they are guilty of something, to bring a charge against them, or to assign blame.
Biblically, accusation carries the idea of bringing a charge against someone, condemning them, or attempting to establish their guilt.
That is what the enemy does.
He accuses. He scrutinizes. He points out faults. He brings charges. He looks for evidence. He builds a case against us—day and night. Looking for ways to judge us.
It’s quite disgusting when we realize the enemy is doing it. But let’s ask a brutally honest question: How many of us are doing the same thing in our marriages?
Maybe we would never literally put our spouse “on the stand,” but could it be that they are silently on trial in our minds? Have we started keeping our own little secret diary?
“Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy.”Psalm 101:5
He did this.
She said that.
He forgot this.
She never does that.
He always…
She never…
And before we know it, we're not just dealing with an issue anymore.
We're building a case against the person we're supposed to be loving, supporting, connecting deeper with, and helping.
And that brings me to Job.
In Job 2, Satan stood before God accusing Job.
God said Job was blameless and upright and that he still held fast to his integrity.
But Satan accused him, essentially saying, “Let him suffer enough and he'll turn against You.”
Then Satan struck Job with painful boils from head to toe.
And Job's wife looked at her suffering husband and said with accusatory sarcasm:
“Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!”
Did you catch that?
Satan accused Job of turning against God—and then Job's wife spoke in agreement with that accusation.
She yielded to it.
She repeated it.
She became a mouthpiece for the accusation that had been spoken against her husband.
And that is where this gets very personal for us.
Because when the enemy begins whispering accusations about our spouse and we receive them, rehearse them, repeat them, and speak them over our spouse, we are siding with the accuser.
We're doing what he does.
We're helping him build his case.
One word. YUCK.
Now, let’s bring it home a bit more. Put yourself on the side of the accused.
Have you ever felt like you were on trial?
Like your life was up on the stand, and the prosecuting attorney was scrutinizing your every action, every word, every move—looking for something bad, something they could use to pronounce you guilty?
They never seemed to notice what you did right, or why you did what you did.
They never tried to see your heart in all of it.
They were only looking for what you did wrong. Usually using menial points to boot.
Are we doing this to our spouse?
Is your husband or wife constantly “on your stand” while you pick them apart?
Are you scrutinizing everything they say and do, looking for evidence to prove your case?
I experienced this myself in a situation where circumstances outside of my control caused me to be put on the “stand” in a very important area of my life—and no, it was not my husband.
Because of the pressure and fear I was being subjected to, I actually felt like I was going to cave in to the accusations and end up doing the very things I was being accused of doing.
It took everything in me—and more, the Lord—not to give in and actually do the very things I wasn't doing before but was constantly being questioned about.
There is something about being constantly accused, scrutinized, and treated as guilty that can begin to pressure a person to act according to the accusation.
And that makes me think about our marriages.
What happens when your spouse is constantly being told who they are based on their failures?
What happens when they're continually reminded of what they did wrong, what they didn't do, how they failed, how they disappointed you?
What happens when every new disagreement brings three old offenses back into the conversation?
What happens when we assign motives?
“You did that because you don't care about me.”
“You always do this.”
“You never change.”
What happens when we rehearse their failures in our own minds until we've created a picture of them that is bigger than the person standing in front of us?
And there is an important distinction we need to make:
Addressing an issue says:
“This happened. It hurt me. We need to deal with this.”
Accusation says:
“This happened, therefore this is who you are. Let me show you all the evidence.”
Here are some signs that we may have moved from addressing an issue into an accusatory posture:
Keeping a mental scoreboard. You remember every offense, mistake, disappointment, and failure—and bring them back up whenever there's a new conflict.
Using “always” and “never.” “You always do this.” “You never think about me.” “You never follow through.” You're no longer addressing what happened; you're building a case for who they are.
Assigning motives. “You did that because you don't care about me.” “You only said that to hurt me.” “You don't want me to succeed.” You move from knowing their behavior to declaring what's in their heart.
Looking for evidence. Once you've decided your spouse is selfish, lazy, controlling, uncaring, etc., you start collecting everything that proves your conclusion.
Rehearsing their failures. You replay conversations in your head, think about what you should have said, and mentally build your argument long after the situation is over.
Talking about them instead of talking to them.Constantly telling friends, family, or other people what your spouse is doing wrong—not because you're seeking wise counsel, but because you're building support for your case.
Interpreting everything through the accusation. They forget something and you think, “Of course they did. They don't care.” They have a bad day and you think, “See? This is who they really are.”
Bringing up unrelated offenses during a disagreement.You're discussing today's issue, but suddenly you're listing everything they've done for the last five years.
Using their weakness against them.Something they confessed, struggled with, or trusted you with becomes ammunition later.
Speaking negatively about them to yourself. Even when you aren't saying it out loud, you're constantly narrating their shortcomings in your mind.
Speaking negatively about them to your children. This is especially dangerous because now you're not just accusing your spouse—you are influencing others to see them through your accusation.
Praying accusations instead of bringing your heart to God. There's a difference between, “Father, I'm hurt and I need wisdom. Help me know how to respond,” and continually presenting evidence to God about why your spouse is the problem.
No longer expecting change.You stop seeing your spouse as someone God is working in and start seeing them as a fixed label: “That's just who he is.”
Wanting them to be found guilty more than wanting them to be restored. This one is huge. You may technically be telling the truth, but your heart is no longer looking for restoration. You want them to admit that you were right and they were wrong.
Because there is a difference between addressing something that is wrong and pronouncing judgment.
In this next passage of Scripture, Paul is discussing some important things from a pastoral heart to Titus. I encourage you to take a moment and read it with your HEART and not from a legalistic perspective.
You’ll see Paul speaks to older men, younger men, older women, and younger women. But as you read, don’t categorize the instruction. The truth is, what he is saying is true for all of us, no matter our age or place.
But speak thou the things which become sound doctrine: That the aged men be sober [self-controlled], grave [worthy of respect], temperate, sound [strong] in faith, in charity, in patience. The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity, Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you. (Titus 2:1-8, KJV)
This passage gives us a well-rounded viewpoint of both sides of the angle.
Not only are we told not to accuse one another, but we are also instructed to live in such a way that we aren't giving legitimate reason for accusation.
In other words, there is a responsibility on both sides.
We shouldn't be looking for reasons to build a case against our spouse.
And we should also be asking ourselves if our own words, actions, attitudes, and choices are giving our spouse legitimate things to have to continually confront.
That doesn't give either person permission to become an accuser.
It gives both of us a reason to look at our own hearts.
So before we look at what our spouse is doing, let's ask ourselves:
Am I becoming an accuser in my own home?
Because Satan is the accuser. But Jesus is our Advocate.
1 John 2:1 says that we have “an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous.”
One brings charges. One stands for us.
One looks for reasons to condemn. One intercedes.
One wants to destroy. One came to restore.
So when it comes to our marriage, which one are we reflecting?
If your spouse listened to everything you thought about them, would they gain or lose?
There are places in our thought life we have NO business being.
We need to start recognizing what’s the voice of the “accuser of the brethren” before we repeat it.
I exhort you! Let’s grow up in these things! Stop giving the enemy place.
Recognize the accusation.
Reject the accusation.
Replace it with truth.
When that thought comes:
“They'll never change.”
“They don't really love me.”
“They're just selfish.”
“This is who they are.”
Stop.
Ask yourself: Is this truth, or is this accusation?
Because the enemy is subtle.
He can take a real offense and build an entire false narrative around it.
Yes, something happened. Yes, it may have hurt. Yes, it may need to be addressed.
But the enemy wants to take what happened and turn it into an identity.
He wants one failure to become “this is who they are.” He wants one offense to become a record.
He wants the record to become a case.
And he wants the case to become division.
But Romans 8 asks, “Who will bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies.”
And Romans 8:1 reminds us that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
So let's be careful about becoming prosecutors in our own homes.
Job’s wife spoke the accusation in line with the enemy. The woman with the diary kept the record of wrongs against her husband, which led to divorce.
Both stories should make us stop and examine our own hearts.
Am I keeping a record of wrongs? Am I building a case against my spouse? Am I becoming a mouthpiece for the “accuser of the brethren”?
Because what we continually focus on will eventually shape how we see the person we married and will determine the kind of marriage we have.
Just think. What if that wife of 30+ years would have spent her entire marriage writing down everything her husband did right, instead?
Lots to consider,
We love you,
Matt and Jess